Did I ever tell you about how I struggled to find a climbing partner? Man, I got lonely out there. So I invented a friend who accompanied me into the hills. But I have to tell you... ‘Adrian’ is a bloody liability.

For someone so imaginary he has a big ego and a panache for always wanting to solo. This has been a problem because he hogs all the good routes and doesn't belay me. I have to stand around for hours.

And when he does belay me he never gives me any slack. I also hate it when he makes me carry everything.

One time I imagined he ate our all of our food on the first night of a seven day trip. I was gutted because I had to throw 'our' supplies into a river to make the scenario seem ‘more real’. So there I am, ten days later being SARed out with hunger and exhaustion because of Adrian (aka A_Drain).

If only I imagined he had cooked me a massive pasta-based dish. That would have been better – but having said that, I probably would have made him burn it.

I remember another time we did this quite hard climb at the Quarry in Auckland. I decided to lead and imagined him belaying me effectively through the crux. Half way up I got 'the mist' and panicked. I was so scared I forgot what he was meant to be doing and I looked down to see the rope trailing through the runners... and no Adrian. He had simply vanished.

So, I started thinking that having an imaginary climbing partner was stupid. Especially after he locked himself in the dunny at Pioneer and I ended up poohing myself. I stopped imagining him about a year ago.

Do I still get lonely? Yes, especially on long trips when it rains. I tried tying a soft toy to my pack for company but he got wet and rotted, which was strange given it was a little duck. Now I go into the hills all alone. Occasionally I imagine Adrian is back with me sharing some laughs.

But even that has some risk. Last time I did it he ran back down the track and deflated the tyres on my car. Duffus. I had to walk 50 km to the nearest town. I was so wild with him as I let the air out.

My advice to anyone wanting to take an imaginary friend into the backcountry is to give it some serious thought. My imaginary friend had some good points, but in the end I made him let me down. Climbing is about sharing good times in the hills with mates – not about hanging around virtual buddies who put porridge in your sleeping bag.

My day job involves sitting at a computer. As such, it is important to have something else going on in the background. No, not because I am a slacker like you. I am a work-a-holic. For some reason I work faster if I micropause every now and again to glance at the score on cricinfo.com or follow qualifying on f1live.com.

What does this have to do with mountaineering you ask? Well, screw you. I am only up to paragraph two. Learn yourself some patience. I'll get to the point in my own good time.

The problem with cricinfo is that there isn't always a game to follow. I have petitioned the International Cricket Council to introduce seven-day tests and trial an Eighty80 competition for the shorter form of the game, but the idea isn't going to swim. The problem is worse for F1. A race is over in a couple of hours and then I have to wait two weeks until the next race.

This is where mountaineering should step in. Just imagine for a moment, if you will, blow-by-blow Internet coverage of mountain climbing.

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4322m Gary swings twice with his hammer to get a good stick, not a bad result for this late in the day. Follows that up nicely with a solid right swing of the axe. Bruce is still trailing by 20 metres; that separation has been fairly constant since Gary passed Bruce at 4280m.
4323m Gary pauses for a few seconds. Bruce looks up and does likewise. Bruce swings his left tool, then his right, then his left, then his right. Fascinating action here folks.
4324m Oh! Drama here! Gary has stopped for a barley sugar. We didn't know if he had any left in his right pocket, but indeed he has. Fancy that. Gary's decision to carry barley sugars so late in the day appears to have paid dividends. A risky strategy some people said, but I'd suggest the little master knew what he was doing all along.
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Yes, you are right, it is a fantastic idea. Since mountaineering is essentially a 24-hour a day activity, there need be no break in the coverage.

But hold on. There are technical problems to overcome. Since the mountaineering powers-that-be are stuck in the dark ages and haven't negotiated television rights to climbs, it is not possible for some guy to sit infront of the screen all day typing out minute-by-minute details of the first ascent of the south-east-east face of the third subsidary peak of a mountain I can't quite remember the name of. Instead, expeditions will have to employ a couple of Internet-savvy people to sit in basecamp with telescopes to report the climb. All in all, this isn't a difficult proposition in the era of satellite phones, laptops and solar panels.

So there you go. Now that the idea is out there in the mass consciousness, it is sure to happen by next Tuesday.